lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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