I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
