even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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