I'm jealous of your bromance
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
