somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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