Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
