You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
