I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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