We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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