He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
