You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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