My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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