i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
