I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
