my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
