I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
