Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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