I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
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No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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