its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
