I accidentally burped into my bong.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
