birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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