Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
