Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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