is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
