checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
