can we get nightvision for the apartment?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
