Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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