We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
