did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
