i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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