Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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