So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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