is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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