i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
