Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
