If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
