can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
