I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
