Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
