I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
