i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
