I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
