You're so nebulous sometimes
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
