Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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