yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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