Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
