I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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