He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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