I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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