After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
