im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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