If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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