Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
