i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
