i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
