and she was petting her beer can
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
