Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
