The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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