So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
